Why I'm Not Telling You Who I Am

There’s nothing particularly extraordinary about me; that’s partly the point. I am an ordinary man in his 30s having a career, friends, family and dating while spending a surprising amount of time in my head.

I’ve always lived inside my head, but what does that mean? That means I plan scenarios in my head of what someone’s reaction will be when I say something, I plan what happens next, I think about the consequences of my actions before I act on something and I replay conversations in my head. For as long as I remember, my mind has rarely been quiet.

Recently I have started noticing things where I have become more aware of my internal experience rather than automatically following it. What does that mean? It means I have been noticing more of my thoughts rather than becoming them. Becoming your thoughts for me means that if I have a thought my nervous system responds in anger. This happens when I’m walking. I think of a thought of how someone annoyed me, whether it was yesterday or 10 years ago, and my body starts to contract, shake and respond in anger. That for me is becoming your thoughts.

I found a way where occasionally I have not become my thoughts. I say occasionally because I’m not writing because I have figured life out and the perfect way to live. I’m writing because I’m beginning to realise how much I haven’t figured out. But do you need to figure life out completely or just live your life? Why do people want to try and figure life out, is it to find their purpose in life or is it to know an answer? The wanting to find an answer to a question is a way to know the unknown but is being comfortable in the unknown the solution to all of life’s problems?

I’m not writing this to help solve other peoples problems. Everyone’s problems are their own unique ones, but if someone else might recognise themselves in them, that would be enough; “I’ve felt that too”.

Why I’ve decided to be anonymous? I’ve done this so I can be as open as possible, when people’s identity is attached there are often things people edit out. I’m not anonymous so I can hide. I’m anonymous so I can be honest.

All my essays will be written solely by me, I want to write from the soul and I hope you can recognise that. The experiences are mine, the thoughts are mine and I want the words to be mine too.

I’m going to write about whatever occupies my mind: relationships, work, anxiety, family, spirituality, being human and ordinary experiences. Some essays may be serious, some may not.

I don’t know what this will become.

I don’t know whether anyone will read it.

But there are things I’ve spent years thinking about and experiencing.

I’m going to start writing them down.

Welcome to An Ordinary Mind.